This is one Vietnam Veteran's view of who we are and what we will leave behind.

THE VIETNAM VETERAN'S LEGACY

By: Michael Engi
HHB 7/13th Artillery, Lz Uplift 69-70
II Corps, Near Bong Son Village, Central Highlands

We fought in a War for a cause we didn’t fully understand. All we knew for sure was that our country asked us to defend Freedom and we answered the call to Duty. We were young, so very young and unaware of what we were about to face. But we were Patriots, willing to be the Best that we could be and to make our Country Proud. We didn’t run to Canada, or do the other things cowards did to avoid the draft. We did what our Country asked of us. Our Loyalty was without question and thousands of young men died believing our cause was just.

If you are of the current generation you may not understand how such things could have happened or are even aware of them. If you are interested in this part of history you need to understand the mood of our country back in the 60's and 70's. It's unfortunate that since this was a politically unpopular war many of our teachers and college professors today care not to even mention it in their classes, as if this part of our history did not exist. It is a scar on our nation that many people of my generation don't want to be reminded of. To this day our government refuses to take responsibility for their actions.

I lost a High School friend, Barry A. Manthey, among others, killed in action on August 14, 1968. Barry was only 20 years old; he like others had their whole lives ahead of them. I didn’t find out about him or the others I knew from school until I came home. That’s when I realized that many of us don’t think about the effects of War or the tragedy it brings to the Heart broken families. Unless you are a friend or relative of the lost loved one, you don't really dwell on it for that long. Perhaps it’s because unpleasant thoughts are usually put aside and not meant for remembering. Only when they cannot be put aside does it become important, then we dwell on them forever.

I remember when I first arrived in country, seeing all the body bags lined up on the tarmac, not thinking at the time that they all had a name and families that would grieve. My only thought was, would I become one of them. Now their names rest on a Wall in Washington, DC and Memorials across the nation in places for us to remember. Yet today, only those who have lost family truly care to remember. The curious come every now and again, but family will always be there. You won't see them on Veteran's Day and not many on Memorial Day. That’s because like us, they care to grieve in silence and solitude, on days before and after the Holidays to avoid the crowd, but we will always be there, not ever to be forgotten.

Many Veterans of the Vietnam War are misunderstood by those who were not there. It has become our mission in this Chapter to try to change that stereotype created by society in the 70's. It's not who we are and never was. Most people, even today, though they won't admit it, still see the Vietnam Veteran as the crazy drug addict, hippie, motorcycle gang, baby killer portrayed by the John Kerry's and Jane Fonda's of a misguided generation, who to this day feel no shame.

Those of us who lived that war know this is far from the truth. We care mostly not to talk about the war, even to the extent to defend our reputations from those who would have you believe otherwise. We have lived through the silence and learned how to survive life to become productive citizens with families and respectable jobs. We care not to be reminded of the war itself or the way we were treated when we came home. Although those thoughts haunt us daily we have learned how to keep them to ourselves and only talk about them among our brothers. If you hear someone brag about their experiences in Vietnam, most likely he has never been there. Statistics say only one out of every five people who say they were in Vietnam actually were. This is the same with Gulf War and Iraqi veterans. It seems there are a lot of people who we call "Wannabees" out there who wear medals or claim to have been Navy Seals, etc. who have to make up for their own inadequacies in life. The same people who chase ambulances or have to stop to look at the bodies on the side of the road but are afraid to get involved or won't stop to help.

It is not easy to understand something you have never experienced and even harder to explain. It's not that we don't want to tell you how we feel but more of not being able to find the words and if we did, we would not want to re-live them. I could say as others do, you just had to be there. But that would not be a fair explanation, so if you have an open mind, I will try to explain it further.

Being a part of the Vietnam War is what made us soldiers or brothers today but in a war like no other. We were asked to fight for freedom in another country so that others might not have to live in oppression. We didn't fully understand how that was our responsibility but faced it with the belief that it was the right thing to do. Just as today, people do not understand why we are in Iraq. The problem, as I see it is chiefly because most Americans have led a sheltered life. Perhaps if we made military service mandatory, we would learn more about the world we live in. By that I mean most people have no idea how people live in other countries. If we saw the children living in grass huts with dirt floors and no running water we would learn to appreciate what we have more. We would learn why basic human rights and dignity are abused in our own country and hopefully become better citizens by appreciating what we have and how we got it. Most veterans have learned this the hard way. In combat there is no race or color, everyone has a God and a Mother. Its only in places of safety where prejudices come alive, yes, even in a War Zone.

In 1968 and 1969 getting orders for Vietnam was like an automatic death sentence. At that time, over a thousand young men were being killed each month. I know how it felt, because I lived it. Upon getting my orders while in Germany I sold all my possessions or gave them away, for I felt chances were I would not be coming back. It was the worst feeling of my life. Trying to hold back the tears, because men don't cry, my parents let me off at the terminal of McGuire AFB, NJ. Being a parent now myself I can only guess how terrible it must have been for them. I was young back then, I felt if I had to go to war and possibly die for my country, it was meant to be, I would die with honor and dignity but I was not going to run. I don't think I really realized what death was all about at that time. I never saw what one human being could do to another, nor did I want to know, as Redgum (an Australian band) said in their song, I was only 19. (see the music player below to hear it)

I soon found out my first night in country what that was all about. I just got into Nha Trang air base when we were rushed out of the terminal, not yet even issued a weapon. "In-Coming" someone shouted and we all ran to the bunkers for cover. I remember to this day the God awful sounds that shook the ground. Louder than thunder, a sound so loud you can't even describe it. When it was over and the all clear sounded my ears where still ringing when came out, back into the terminal only to see blood still on the floor and I looked up to see a round hole in the metal roof where a rocket had pierced through and then hit the concrete floor. I realized then someone had not made it out in time. Perhaps for the first time in my life I really felt fear. Death was around me and fear became part of my daily life. Welcome to the Nam, they said.

After a few days of hopping Huey's north, I made it to my final destination realizing this was not where I wanted to be. I was not in the Infantry or Marine Corps, wanting not to give that impression. I was in an Artillery Unit stationed in the central highlands at a place called LZ Uplift. Nothing more than a flat piece of dirt between the mountains called a landing zone with a few bunkers, artillery pieces and a perimeter set up with barbed wire and claymores. We were mostly exposed to mortar fire on a sporadic basis, you never really knew when the enemy was going to shoot but you could always count on the rats, bugs and mosquito's being there. Oh, and those nasty flying ants with pincher's during the monsoon season. That's when it rains 23 out of 24 hours a day, nothing ever drys out. One thing for sure, was when the 173rd Airborne came back from patrol we got hit more often. For some reason the enemy didn't like those guys, I guess they didn't like us either. When they came in off patrol Christmas Eve we got mortared three times in one night. I give those Grunts and Marines all the credit in the world. Of course I don't know which was better, being a sitting target or a walking target. I suppose not the latter.

Counting the days until I would come home, I wondered who would care if I didn't. Of course it would only be my family. The closer it got to the end of my tour of duty the more I felt like I was walking on egg shells, I began to realize that I would be going home soon. No more guard duty on the perimeter, popping flares all night. I finally got back to the base camp on my way out of country, turned in my weapons, etc. and was waiting for my Freedom flight to come in when while walking across the yard from the mess hall I heard all kinds of automatic weapon fire just a few yards away. I and others started running for cover and when it stopped saw some soldiers taking a wounded man out of a hooch (bunker) close by running to the medic’s tent. I found out later two cooks in the base camp were fighting over a dog earlier and one of them took his M-16 rifle to the other's hooch and shot him eight times in the chest and took his remaining three clips and sprayed them around inside. A perfect example I guess of PTSD I suppose but almost getting killed by friendly fire in your last days is not easy to take, I just wanted to go home. As if that was not enough, the next night an ARVN unit made contact outside our perimeter and had to call in gun ships for support. Then the courier from my LZ came by and told us my hooch took a direct hit from a mortar just the day after I left and several were killed from the 173rd who moved in to it. I felt really bad for those guys I left behind but it was my turn to leave and I wanted nothing more than to just go home and forget what I left behind.

After living in that environment for exactly 365 days I finally caught the Freedom bird back to the land of the big PX, (Post Exchange or big store) in other words, the good old US of A. I will never forget the dead of silence the whole flight until the cheer when the pilot came on and said we had entered US air space. How good it felt to be home again. A real shower and hot food was on the way, big time. At least until we landed. The Army got on the bus and told us there were protesters at the gates and that they would take the long route to the barracks to try to avoid them. However, we still had to go through a gate somewhere; even though it was dark we saw them as they shouted at us from a distance. It took me about three hours to get a steak and out of the Army with a ticket home. I still didn't understand why they were protesting us, I didn't do anything wrong, I served my country and made it back home alive. It didn't make sense. Then every airport I came through across the United States people looked at you as if you had two heads and called obscenities as you walked by them. I never killed any babies nor did I ever see or hear of any being killed, yet this is what they called us.

Everyone knows that in all Wars innocent civilians get killed, it's a tragedy and I know that some children undoubtedly were killed in Vietnam. However, if this was done with malice as described at the Congressional Hearings by John Kerry, I am sure there was enough press covering the Vietnam War that someone would have found out about it. In short, we were the scum of the earth after loosing limbs and dying for our country. That's what we came home to, not anything less. Not only was being exposed to the tragedies of War a life long scar but now we were also labeled. The term Vietnam veteran became synonymous with Murderer. This would haunt us equally as well throughout our lives and careers when employers would discriminate against Vietnam veterans. It didn't take too long to figure out it was best to grow your hair long so you looked like you were a sixties hippie and not in the Army.

However, through all of this, statistics show that most Vietnam veterans have become productive citizens in spite of the War. Today we are Police Officers, Teachers, Doctors and Lawyers. We are survivors and have made the best of a bad situation. We don't make these statements lightly and we don't look for sympathy by making them. The truth is what it is, like it or not, but we need not make the same mistakes twice.

Although some have been quick to judge us, not even to have been there. For those I say, until you have walked in a soldier's shoes, you might not have that right, unless you are God.

My intension in this writing has been to help others understand, at least from my perspective, of how we feel today and be made aware of the many problems Vietnam Veterans are still faced with. My hopes are that as a country we accept what has happened in the past as history without blame. That we recognize we have a moral obligation to take care of our Veterans and their families, no matter what the cost. Money should not be an issue when you ask for the ultimate sacrifice and commitment from our soldiers.

As long as we are human we will make mistakes but those who answer the call to duty should not have to suffer for them. Most veterans of other wars never had to deal with the fact that their leaders made a mistake. It’s hard to understand how this could happen, but it did. We returned home looking for someone to just say, “Thanks for a job well done”. It never came. Instead we were shunned by our Veterans groups and called names by people who had their own political agenda. Those words would never be forgotten. Our Veterans organizations said we weren’t in a “Real War” and had no right to the same benefits they had received. Most people don't know the Vietnam Veterans of America was formed back in the 80's for that very reason, no one wanted our problems, nor did they care. Was Agent Orange, something some drug addict, crazed Vietnam veteran made up, I think not. A World War II veteran's life expectancy is in the 80's, while the average Vietnam veteran's is somewhere in the 60's. Something is wrong with this picture, unless of course you work for the VA.

Over 58,000 young men are dead, most between the ages of 18 to 23 years old. Not including the thousands more that were wounded and crippled or have died from their wounds. Now we can add thousands more on top of those lists that are dying from Agent Orange exposure. Not only are our veterans dying at an early age, but their children are suffering from birth defects caused by Agent Orange. Our fear now is that things are starting to show up in second and third generation children. Still others suffer from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), a multitude of cancers and diabetes type II. Our claims for help fall on deaf ears, our government does not want to accept responsibility for Agent Orange. We constantly have to fight for health care and are told the burden of proof falls on the veteran, what ever happened to moral obligation.

For over 35 years Vietnam Veterans have carried this burden. Yet we still have to fight for medical care. Just to see a doctor can take half a day in a VA hospital. After you travel an hour and find nowhere to park you walk in and feel the indifference in the employees. Take a look around and see the unclean floors and then wonder where the employees are. Just to have our children’s birth defects recognized is a fight. How much longer will it take? Just this past year, our government finally recognized spina bifida, a birth defect, as being caused by Agent Orange exposure. Why did we have to wait 35 years to find this out? Our children needlessly suffered without coverage for all this time, why? How long will it take them to recognize other birth defects or will they ever? Many Vietnam veterans are dying every day from agent orange related illnesses and the Government continually says there is not enough evidence and continues to deny our claims. "Not enough soldiers have died from that yet or that birth defect has not been seen enough in veteran’s children" is what we are told. Yet statistics show a much higher mortality rate among Vietnam Veterans in those categories. World War II veterans are living longer than Vietnam Veterans. Is the government waiting for us all to die first so they won’t have to pay? Am I bitter? I suppose, but my children are the ones who should be bitter, they didn’t ask to be a part of their father’s war.

Vietnam Veterans do not want parades or sympathy. Our welcome home never came and never will, it’s too late for that now. Like the psychological wounds of war, some things can never be forgotten, but we can and do forgive. For some it is harder than for others, even to talk about. That’s the very fiber that brings us together. No other group of veterans are closer, a bond like no other. Our silence when asked about the war is a reminder of the almost unbearable truth that we are the bastards of a generation. The sad reminder of our political blunders. Its no wonder today's society would rather forget we exist than to admit shame by accepting responsibility. Over the years we have learned to accept our fate. In Vietnam we fought for each other, to stay alive, there were no color or religious boundaries among true soldiers. We were all brothers and we continue to be, for we still only have each other to this end.

But for those of us who can and do speak out, we do it for our brothers on the Wall who cannot. We speak for those who have been lost and for their children they left behind. To make sure they are taken care of and never forgotten. We as citizens now have a responsibility to make sure our soldiers are never again blamed for the mistakes made by the politician. If we must go to war, we must go together and for the right reasons. We may not agree with the actions of our political leaders, but to blame our soldiers, who fought so gallantly when sent into battle, can never be justified.

The Vietnam Veterans of Chapter 899 will not rest in our efforts to help all Veterans and their families in need. We will never forget our young men and women who died fighting for freedom. Our final mission will be to insure that Vietnam Veterans and all future veterans who answer the call to duty are treated as soldiers and that no one is ever left behind again.

Thank you for caring, hope you enjoy the website.

Michael Engi